are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
