I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
