what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
