we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
