my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
