You really coming over, don't trick.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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