Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
