i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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