Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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