im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
