We named our party play list daddy issues
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize