What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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