Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.â€
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