We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize