she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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