It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
