Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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