If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Someone stole a lamp last night.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize