I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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