i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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