dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize