Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
