Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
