Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize