I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize