I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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