In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
