Got a toothbrush?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
