4 words: hood of his car
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
