i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
