The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
