OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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