he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
