she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize