I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
