I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
