the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize