Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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