I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
