don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My bed smells like the plague
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