i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
