Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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