A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
