Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
