i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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