I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I think I sprained my soul last night
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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