dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
