I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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