just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
