i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
