Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
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