sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
