I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
