apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
