I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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