just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
