you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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