Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
