I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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