Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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