nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize