ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
