I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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