Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
